Heavy Heart

I write this post with a very heavy heart. We received a phone call yesterday that the pastor who married Michael and me decided to take his own life. My father-in-law had served with him on staff for 10 years, and he was a close family friend. He had a son Michael's age; they were good friends in high school and served as groomsmen in each other's weddings. The pastor had a beautiful wife, two sons, and two grandchildren. I'm actually taking this a lot harder than seems rational given that I wasn't exceptionally close to the family. Pretty much every time I start thinking about it, I start crying. Post-partum hormones, perhaps?

I'm sure that everyone has the same conflicting emotions: 1) deep sorrow for Kim (the pastor) that he would feel so hopeless as to not be able to go on with life and 2) shock/disbelief but also 3) Anger, confusion, rage that he could abandon his wife in their "golden years" and rob his grandchildren of the opportunity to know him.

My heart aches for his wife, Martha. I absolutely cannot imagine the nightmare she is going through right now. This is something that someone never really ever gets over. "How could this happen? How could this happen? How could this happen?" keeps running through my mind. I woke up this morning hoping this was all a bad dream or a really sick joke. If I'm thinking that, how much more is she thinking that?

I think, too, that the weight of suffering, loneliness, pain, etc that is a part of our life here on earth is hitting me. I'm grieving not just Kim's death and Martha's pain but also pain and suffering in general that is a part of our life on earth as a result of the Fall.

I know that in the end we win, but Satan won a battle with this one. I'm not sure what mix of complicated factors led to Kim's depression, but how awesome would it have been had he overcome his depression and been a living testament to the power of God. Instead, anyone who struggles with hopelessness and hears of this tragedy will wonder what hope there is for them if a God-fearing pastor decided there was no hope. More than anything, this tragedy makes me want to fight back against the powers of darkness and live in the power of God. To be a testament to those struggling with depression and hopelessness that they can overcome with God's grace and power.

I read in a book somewhere that joyfulness begins with thankfulness. I'm not naturally a joyful person, but I want to be. I figure that having a thankful/joyful heart is a good way to combat the darkness of this world. The blog that I love challenged readers to make a list of 1,000 blessings over the course of 1 year. That's about 3 blessings a day. I've been wanting to do it, and now seems like a pretty good time to start. Feel free to keep me accountable!

#1 A husband who loves and would do anything for me and is alive and that I can hug (almost) any time I want

#2 A husband who loves life and cannot fathom wanting it to end prematurely

#3 A husband who loves his boys and was caught playing hangman with Jonathan during rest time today! :>

#4 A really fun afternoon with Caleb, playing chase and riding his tricycle

#5 A breathtaking moment outside today when the fading sunlight hit a golden-leafed tree just so

#6 Our own house after a year and a half of not having one...I still haven't gotten used to it!

#7 Hearing Caleb sing "Cheeeeeeeeeeeeesus, cheeeeeeeeeeeesus, sun down" (Jesus, Jesus, Jesus when the sun goes down) at bed time

#8 Sweet cuddles with Jonathan at bed time

#9 Sweet cuddles with Benjamin ALL the time

What are you thankful for today?